Songs From The Second Floor

by Rob Paravonian

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02:23
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released August 18, 2009

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Rob Paravonian New York

Known the world over for his viral "Pachelbel Rant" video, Rob Paravonian is a musician and comedian who has performed on Comedy Central, opened for comedy legends George Carlin and Lily Tomlin, and was once called a "deranged bastard child of Tom Lehrer and Joan Baez." ... more

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Track Name: Less From You
I don't need to know everything you're doing
Every second of the day
I don't need to know that you just took a shower
Or that you just got paid
I don't need to see the wacky gifts you've been given
Or hear about the quiz that says what city you should live in
All of your chatter has nearly driven
me insane

I want to hear less from you
'Cause it's no longer cute
You're tweeting all the time
And I'm about to lose my mind
Just give it a rest
Don't make me click that 'X' next to your name
Then you'd be through, 'cause I
Wanna hear less from you

When you friended me I didn't know
You'd haunt me like a ghost
Now every time that I log on
You've got 10 new posts
What shape am I, a circle or a square?
I'm having lunch, what should I do with my hair
Did you ever have a thought you didn't share online?

I wanna hear less from you
Too much is getting through
How do you have so much to say?
You don't do a damn thing all day
Put your keyboard down
Get up and look around yourself
And find something to do
'Cause I wanna hear less from you.

You know, we're not really friends
So there's no need to IM
I'll play Scrabble now and then
But this other crap must end
You keep tagging me in pics
When you know I look like s#%&
And there's a new invite everyday
Now I've gotta say...

I wanna hear less from you
'Cause none of this is news
With you filling up my page
I missed that my cousin got engaged
Not everything you've done
Needs to be broadcast to everyone
Keep some stuff out of view
Or I'll wanna hear less from you
I don't want to offend you I just
Wanna hear less from you
Don't make me defriend you,
I just wanna hear less from you
That's the message I want to send you
I wanna hear less from you.
Track Name: Slummin'
She’s a successful executive VP
And I have no idea why she’s going out with me
‘Cause I’m a musician
and I am a slob
She’s upper class and I don’t have a job

She’s slummin’ for a change of pace
Slummin’ I’m her charity case
Slummin’ She’s trying to break free
Instead of getting a tattoo she got me

Building her career is how she spent her time
She sold her soul and now she wants to borrow mine
‘Cause I make her feel different
And I make her look weird
She’s looks cool when she’s with me
It’s like I’m her hipster beard

She’s slummin’ she’s better than me
Slummin’ Everyone can see
Slummin’ she’s trying something new
She couldn’t backpack through Europe so I’ll have to do

All her friends at work will talk
How adventuresome she is
(“she stayed with him last night in Brooklyn” “Oh my gosh!”)
At all their functions they’ll all point and gawk
Whenever we walk in
(“she brought him here? how scandalous!”

People wonder how long it’s going to last
Only long enough for her to think she has a past
Then she’ll go back to her world
And I’ll go back to mine
And whenever she feels boring she’ll just think back to the time

She went slummin’ and dated out of her class
Slummin’ and got some poverty ass
Slummin’ and she did it well
She just needed to get a story to tell
She needed to give herself a story to tell
Track Name: Pushing Band Candy
If you go to public school, one thing you know is true
There's never funding for any of the fun things you want to do
Like band, every year the district says they're going to axe it
But band, that's the only class I don't get my ass kicked
But the fact is we're broke, we're always trying to raise funds
With drives and promotions that just never catch on
We tried selling Gummi Bears but that was way too fruity
And our car wash blew without any cheerleader booty
But when the band asked me to try to sell candy bars
I said that can't be hard, everybody likes sugar
And word got around on the grounds I was holding
People learned my name and for once I was golden
'Cause when you got what they want you're no longer a joke
And it turns I out I sell candy better than Scarface sells coke
And where I once was an unwelcome wimp
Thanks to band candy I walk the halls like a pimp

Pushing Band Candy, I am the man, G
All my classmates have dollar bills to hand me
2X

Selling candy in schools is against the code of conduct
But drop me some Washingtons I'll slip you some product
'Cause I'm clandestine, I'm destined for the best
I sold 20 bars while acing a history test
I'll sell to you in gym class, meet me under the bleachers
I'll sell you seconds while you eat yours, I'll even sell to teachers
I'll sneak into their lounge and hide their nicotine patches
While they're fiending and scratching I'll sell candy in batches
You can't match this, you wanna go toe to toe?
I'll sell enough to buy my own homecoming float
And I'll roll in the parade to my drumline beat
While the whole town throws down dollar bills at my feet
You can't compete with me, and I don't mean to boast
But I hide like a ghost and I sell by the gross
So now most of you know I'm the candy pimp king
When I get done they'll name the school after me.

Chorus

Bass. And maybe a little tuba
This year's band camp's gonna be in Aruba

First year selling candy I made six figures
I bought all new uniforms for all my bandmates
I was the man who met my bands needs
I'd roll into rehearsal and make it rain reeds
And when we went to regionals I didn't rent us a bus
I had 10 stretch limos lined up for us
But the others got frustrated with our success
And the money got us hated by all the rest
Of the groups in the school whose funding was week
They wanted us to be meek you know like good little geeks
So they tried to conspire to take me out of contention
They set me up to get me sent down to detention
But you can't hurt my sales by putting me in lockup
I got 20 freshmen out running my product
And you can't stop me 'cause you can't stop the demand
So I'll keep ruling my band with my invisible hand

Chorus

Pretty soon selling candy was my only care
I never went to rehearsal and I lost my chair
in the band, I was banned from the band but my candy
Was still on my hands I had grandiose plans
So I just kept on dealing and the feeling was dope
The school told me to quit but I just couldn't cope
Security came after me and said this is the end
I threw my up my case and said "Say hello to my little friend!"
It was only a trumpet but no one LOLed
And thanks to my little joke my funny ass got expelled
I hit the streets and I got work pushing pills
What other job would I fill with my new set of skills
I sold so much junk that my trunk was all cash
I made much more bank than my bosses could stash
And they asked how a geek like me could be the Man
I said I learned this selling candy in band

Chorus 2X
Track Name: There's Always an A-Hole on the Internet
When you express yourself on the world wide web
And put something out there in the public trust
No matter what you say someone will find a way
To call you names that would make a teamster blush
(seriously, I once got called a name I had to look up on Wikipedia. It was gross)

Oh you could find a cure for cancer
And post it online to give away
And though you’re saving lives someone will theorize
That you’re doing it all because you’re gay

Because there’s always an a-hole on the internet
Somebody with an axe to grind
They act like juveniles and they’re always spewing bile
And giving you a piece of their small minds
(Now, whenever a stupid person gives me a piece of his mind I just say “hey, you better hang on to that. You really don’t have the resources to be giving away pieces of your mind. You might need that to regulate your body temperature, remember how to breathe.)

Oh, your house could get destroyed by a twister
And they put the story online in the news
Somewhere in the comments section someone will insist
That the twister was the work of the Jews

You could post a picture of your puppy
Playing with a sprinkler in the grass
And though most folks would say “that’s swell”
Someone will be compelled
To photoshop that pup up someone’s a##

Because there’s always an a-hole on the internet
Somebody with nothing better to do
They’re a comments section hog because no one reads their blog
And they have to prove that they know more than you

Oh yes, there’s always an a-hole on the internet
Any time any place anywhere
Ignorant chauvinists bragging about their hard… discs
(“hard disc” it’s a computer thing, I swear)
You know that an a-hole will be there
Oh, online an a-hole’s always there