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Songs From The Second Floor

by Rob Paravonian

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1.
I don't need to know everything you're doing Every second of the day I don't need to know that you just took a shower Or that you just got paid I don't need to see the wacky gifts you've been given Or hear about the quiz that says what city you should live in All of your chatter has nearly driven me insane I want to hear less from you 'Cause it's no longer cute You're tweeting all the time And I'm about to lose my mind Just give it a rest Don't make me click that 'X' next to your name Then you'd be through, 'cause I Wanna hear less from you When you friended me I didn't know You'd haunt me like a ghost Now every time that I log on You've got 10 new posts What shape am I, a circle or a square? I'm having lunch, what should I do with my hair Did you ever have a thought you didn't share online? I wanna hear less from you Too much is getting through How do you have so much to say? You don't do a damn thing all day Put your keyboard down Get up and look around yourself And find something to do 'Cause I wanna hear less from you. You know, we're not really friends So there's no need to IM I'll play Scrabble now and then But this other crap must end You keep tagging me in pics When you know I look like s#%& And there's a new invite everyday Now I've gotta say... I wanna hear less from you 'Cause none of this is news With you filling up my page I missed that my cousin got engaged Not everything you've done Needs to be broadcast to everyone Keep some stuff out of view Or I'll wanna hear less from you I don't want to offend you I just Wanna hear less from you Don't make me defriend you, I just wanna hear less from you That's the message I want to send you I wanna hear less from you.
2.
Slummin' 02:23
She’s a successful executive VP And I have no idea why she’s going out with me ‘Cause I’m a musician and I am a slob She’s upper class and I don’t have a job She’s slummin’ for a change of pace Slummin’ I’m her charity case Slummin’ She’s trying to break free Instead of getting a tattoo she got me Building her career is how she spent her time She sold her soul and now she wants to borrow mine ‘Cause I make her feel different And I make her look weird She’s looks cool when she’s with me It’s like I’m her hipster beard She’s slummin’ she’s better than me Slummin’ Everyone can see Slummin’ she’s trying something new She couldn’t backpack through Europe so I’ll have to do All her friends at work will talk How adventuresome she is (“she stayed with him last night in Brooklyn” “Oh my gosh!”) At all their functions they’ll all point and gawk Whenever we walk in (“she brought him here? how scandalous!” People wonder how long it’s going to last Only long enough for her to think she has a past Then she’ll go back to her world And I’ll go back to mine And whenever she feels boring she’ll just think back to the time She went slummin’ and dated out of her class Slummin’ and got some poverty ass Slummin’ and she did it well She just needed to get a story to tell She needed to give herself a story to tell
3.
If you go to public school, one thing you know is true There's never funding for any of the fun things you want to do Like band, every year the district says they're going to axe it But band, that's the only class I don't get my ass kicked But the fact is we're broke, we're always trying to raise funds With drives and promotions that just never catch on We tried selling Gummi Bears but that was way too fruity And our car wash blew without any cheerleader booty But when the band asked me to try to sell candy bars I said that can't be hard, everybody likes sugar And word got around on the grounds I was holding People learned my name and for once I was golden 'Cause when you got what they want you're no longer a joke And it turns I out I sell candy better than Scarface sells coke And where I once was an unwelcome wimp Thanks to band candy I walk the halls like a pimp Pushing Band Candy, I am the man, G All my classmates have dollar bills to hand me 2X Selling candy in schools is against the code of conduct But drop me some Washingtons I'll slip you some product 'Cause I'm clandestine, I'm destined for the best I sold 20 bars while acing a history test I'll sell to you in gym class, meet me under the bleachers I'll sell you seconds while you eat yours, I'll even sell to teachers I'll sneak into their lounge and hide their nicotine patches While they're fiending and scratching I'll sell candy in batches You can't match this, you wanna go toe to toe? I'll sell enough to buy my own homecoming float And I'll roll in the parade to my drumline beat While the whole town throws down dollar bills at my feet You can't compete with me, and I don't mean to boast But I hide like a ghost and I sell by the gross So now most of you know I'm the candy pimp king When I get done they'll name the school after me. Chorus Bass. And maybe a little tuba This year's band camp's gonna be in Aruba First year selling candy I made six figures I bought all new uniforms for all my bandmates I was the man who met my bands needs I'd roll into rehearsal and make it rain reeds And when we went to regionals I didn't rent us a bus I had 10 stretch limos lined up for us But the others got frustrated with our success And the money got us hated by all the rest Of the groups in the school whose funding was week They wanted us to be meek you know like good little geeks So they tried to conspire to take me out of contention They set me up to get me sent down to detention But you can't hurt my sales by putting me in lockup I got 20 freshmen out running my product And you can't stop me 'cause you can't stop the demand So I'll keep ruling my band with my invisible hand Chorus Pretty soon selling candy was my only care I never went to rehearsal and I lost my chair in the band, I was banned from the band but my candy Was still on my hands I had grandiose plans So I just kept on dealing and the feeling was dope The school told me to quit but I just couldn't cope Security came after me and said this is the end I threw my up my case and said "Say hello to my little friend!" It was only a trumpet but no one LOLed And thanks to my little joke my funny ass got expelled I hit the streets and I got work pushing pills What other job would I fill with my new set of skills I sold so much junk that my trunk was all cash I made much more bank than my bosses could stash And they asked how a geek like me could be the Man I said I learned this selling candy in band Chorus 2X
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When you express yourself on the world wide web And put something out there in the public trust No matter what you say someone will find a way To call you names that would make a teamster blush (seriously, I once got called a name I had to look up on Wikipedia. It was gross) Oh you could find a cure for cancer And post it online to give away And though you’re saving lives someone will theorize That you’re doing it all because you’re gay Because there’s always an a-hole on the internet Somebody with an axe to grind They act like juveniles and they’re always spewing bile And giving you a piece of their small minds (Now, whenever a stupid person gives me a piece of his mind I just say “hey, you better hang on to that. You really don’t have the resources to be giving away pieces of your mind. You might need that to regulate your body temperature, remember how to breathe.) Oh, your house could get destroyed by a twister And they put the story online in the news Somewhere in the comments section someone will insist That the twister was the work of the Jews You could post a picture of your puppy Playing with a sprinkler in the grass And though most folks would say “that’s swell” Someone will be compelled To photoshop that pup up someone’s a## Because there’s always an a-hole on the internet Somebody with nothing better to do They’re a comments section hog because no one reads their blog And they have to prove that they know more than you Oh yes, there’s always an a-hole on the internet Any time any place anywhere Ignorant chauvinists bragging about their hard… discs (“hard disc” it’s a computer thing, I swear) You know that an a-hole will be there Oh, online an a-hole’s always there
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Recorded in NYC by Rob Paravonian

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released August 18, 2009

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Rob Paravonian New York

Known the world over for his viral "Pachelbel Rant" video, Rob Paravonian is a musician and comedian who has performed on Comedy Central, opened for comedy legends George Carlin and Lily Tomlin, and was once called a "deranged bastard child of Tom Lehrer and Joan Baez." ... more

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