If you go to public school, one thing you know is true
There's never funding for any of the fun things you want to do
Like band, every year the district says they're going to axe it
But band, that's the only class I don't get my ass kicked
But the fact is we're broke, we're always trying to raise funds
With drives and promotions that just never catch on
We tried selling Gummi Bears but that was way too fruity
And our car wash blew without any cheerleader booty
But when the band asked me to try to sell candy bars
I said that can't be hard, everybody likes sugar
And word got around on the grounds I was holding
People learned my name and for once I was golden
'Cause when you got what they want you're no longer a joke
And it turns I out I sell candy better than Scarface sells coke
And where I once was an unwelcome wimp
Thanks to band candy I walk the halls like a pimp

Pushing Band Candy, I am the man, G
All my classmates have dollar bills to hand me
2X

Selling candy in schools is against the code of conduct
But drop me some Washingtons I'll slip you some product
'Cause I'm clandestine, I'm destined for the best
I sold 20 bars while acing a history test
I'll sell to you in gym class, meet me under the bleachers
I'll sell you seconds while you eat yours, I'll even sell to teachers
I'll sneak into their lounge and hide their nicotine patches
While they're fiending and scratching I'll sell candy in batches
You can't match this, you wanna go toe to toe?
I'll sell enough to buy my own homecoming float
And I'll roll in the parade to my drumline beat
While the whole town throws down dollar bills at my feet
You can't compete with me, and I don't mean to boast
But I hide like a ghost and I sell by the gross
So now most of you know I'm the candy pimp king
When I get done they'll name the school after me.

Chorus

Bass. And maybe a little tuba
This year's band camp's gonna be in Aruba

First year selling candy I made six figures
I bought all new uniforms for all my bandmates
I was the man who met my bands needs
I'd roll into rehearsal and make it rain reeds
And when we went to regionals I didn't rent us a bus
I had 10 stretch limos lined up for us
But the others got frustrated with our success
And the money got us hated by all the rest
Of the groups in the school whose funding was week
They wanted us to be meek you know like good little geeks
So they tried to conspire to take me out of contention
They set me up to get me sent down to detention
But you can't hurt my sales by putting me in lockup
I got 20 freshmen out running my product
And you can't stop me 'cause you can't stop the demand
So I'll keep ruling my band with my invisible hand

Chorus

Pretty soon selling candy was my only care
I never went to rehearsal and I lost my chair
in the band, I was banned from the band but my candy
Was still on my hands I had grandiose plans
So I just kept on dealing and the feeling was dope
The school told me to quit but I just couldn't cope
Security came after me and said this is the end
I threw my up my case and said "Say hello to my little friend!"
It was only a trumpet but no one LOLed
And thanks to my little joke my funny ass got expelled
I hit the streets and I got work pushing pills
What other job would I fill with my new set of skills
I sold so much junk that my trunk was all cash
I made much more bank than my bosses could stash
And they asked how a geek like me could be the Man
I said I learned this selling candy in band

Chorus 2X