I took a good look at my life What I saw I didn’t like ‘Cause there was nothing that was built to last Underneath all the cheap veneers There’s nothing that can stand the years It all falls apart so fast Particle Board All the furniture I own is made of particle board It’s all I can afford, particle board Particle Board Is this what I’ve been working my whole life for? Four walls and a door and particle board I have to live my life alone ‘Cause if I ever bring a woman home She’ll take one look at me and anÊy chance is blown I guess that I’d have to admit A guy looks like he can’t commit When a hex wrench can dismantle anything he owns Particle Board If I ever move I’ll leave it here on the floor To move would cost more than my particle board Particle Board My life sucks and it can’t be ignored All I can afford is particle board I try to live my life without things to tie me down That’s why I onlly buy crap I won’t miss if I skip town But now I see that I can’t live my life like this forever I’d like to own some furniture I don’t have to put together I took a good look at my life What I saw I didin’t like It made me want to run away and hide Just one look around my home Shows that everything I own Is all leaning to one side Chorus

Went to the doctor ‘cause I was feeling bad Was trying to figure out exactly what I had He said “I know what’s wrong but I won’t tell And I won’t give you what you need to make you well Because that treatment isn’t authorized” That was the moment that I realized That my HMO wants me dead because they know It will be easier that way, it’s less they’ll have to pay See if they kill me know they can save about a million dollars so I gotta watch my back When I was young and indestructible I had a great rate andÍ a low deductible Now that I’m older and I feel my age I find that I’m not getting such good coverage When I was well I boosted profitability Now that I’m sick I’m a liability That’s why I think... Chorus I just pray that my health stays o.k. ‘Cause the nearest approved doctor is eight states away And god forbid I should ever need the ER ‘Cause I know they’ll throw me out when they see my plan’s card And every three years they raise my premium ‘Cause there’s so many deadbeats out there scheming ‘em And if I get hurt I don’t think they’ll ever pay They’ll just probably say that I was born that way Sometimes I think I would be better off with no plan at all Or maybe I should just move up to Canada ‘cause here in the states... Chorus

Ever since I was a little kid I dreamed of being a star But even in my wildest dreams I never thought I would get this far Still sometimes I find myself wishing For the life I had before ‘Cause when this whole thing started I didn’t know what I had in store I was ready for a rocket ride to fame But when you’re in a teeny-bopping boy band It’s not quite the same Life sucks when you’re in a boyband on the road Every day you live means you’re one more day too old Eleven-year-old girls own your soul Life sucks when you’re in a boyband on the road From the monotony of our shows there is no escape And we can’t change a single thing ‘cause the whole concert’s on tape And after the show there’s nowhere to go There’s never a party And we can’t have any booze back stage ‘Cause no one’s got I.D. There’s a million teenage girls who think I’m the bomb But the only chance I ever have to score Is with their moms I don’t know how I go on Life sucks when you’re in a boy band on the road You’re not cool when you can only d
o what you’re told We get grounded if our records don’t go gold Life sucks when you’re in a boy band on the road This coast to coast tour we’re on is nothing but frustration I can’t even grow a beard ‘cause we’re owned by the Disney corporation Everything’s planned if a girl runs on stage someone had to plant her We even have a staff of writers For between song banter Guitar! The only time I feel like a star is When I walk through a mall I go to trendy Hollywood parties And no one knows me at all I keep pr[aying some girl over 18 knows that I’m alive Then I pick up a Teen Beat magazine And they vote me “Least Dreamy of the Five” I don’t need this s@#% I went to Juliard But I can’t play in concert ‘cause playing the cello And shaking your ass at the same time is way too hard Life sucks when you’re in a boy band on the road You gotta wait eight years for your groupies to grow I had no idea the fast lane was so slow Life sucks when you’re in a boy band on the road Yeah, on the road It’s hard to tell yourself you’re in a band that rocks When your picture’s on a little kids lunchbox I regret that contract every day I had no idea it would turn out that way My managers take my money I can’t fight ‘em We have hit songs but I didn’t write ‘em I’m tired of living life like I’m on the run I hope to god no one finds out I’m thirty-one On the road On the road

I was at a diner with my friends But there came a time when the good time came to an end When the waitress brings the bill Everything stands still and I say Oh crap, here we go again We shoulda got seperate checks, seperate checks ‘Cause my friends can’t bleepin add seperate checks, seperate checks They can’t remember anything that they had I don’t know what’s wrong with them Or why it’s so complex But the next time we go out We’re gonna get seperate checks Johnny only left two bucks for eight beers I knowÛ he’s gone but call him up and get his ass back here If he doesn’t come back he dies I’m not paying thirty-six bucks for fries The bill’s 200 dollars and were nowhere near seperate checks, seperate checks My friends got no math skills seperate checks, seperate checks I’m alwyas getting screwed on the bill A world of problems is what you can expect If you go out with your friends And you don’t get seperate checks seperate checks I’m always getting screwed By my friends lack of math aptitude seperate checks, don’t get me started I love my boys but they’re numerically retarded No when we go out I make this plea If you’re getting a group check don’t include me I’ll sit at another table, as long as I am able To only pay for food I actually eat seperate checks, seperate checks Or you’ll have problems aplenty seperate checks, seperate checks Oh crap, everyone’s got twenties The waitress will be annoyed when you make your request But if you don’t wanna kill your friends You gotta get seperate checks

I’m a dead man I’m the star’s partner In every cop film I am the martyr The star needs a reason for revenge So the bad guys gotta kill one of his friends And of course that’s me The writer was a hack Since the opening scene I’ve had a target on my back I’m the Star’s Partner I don’t have a chance in hell I’m the Star’s Partner Dying is the only thing I do well I’m the Star’s Partner The guy with all the funny lines I never make it to the end of the film no matter how I try I know I’m gonna die I don’t know why nothing ever goes right Or why the star always gets us in gunfights I guess he’s just always so jacked up That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t call for back up And I don’t know why I can’t avoid harm I get shot in the chest while the star gets shot in the aQrm Oh yeah, I’m the Star’s Partner I’m going down in a blaze of glory I’m the Star’s Partner My death is integral to the story I’m the Star’s Partner I only get so much screen time I never make it to the end of the film no matter how I try I know I’m gonna die So don’t get too attached to me I’ll be dead by act two, scene three It might get you down but don’t let it Just look for my name in the closing credits I’ll be there, listed right after the star’s love interest I’m the Star’s Partner The funny guy that got killed I’m the Star’s Partner This job sucks but it pays the bills I’m the Star’s Partner A victim of the plot line I never make it to the end of the film no matter how I try I know I’m gonna die, Star’s Partner I know I’m gonna die, Star’s Partner I know I’m gonna die, Star’s Partner (and I was one day short of retirement)